The STL Project: The Test

what im listening to right now: JoiStaRR "Im Trying"


HAAAAPPPYYYYY NEEEEEWWWWW YEAAAAAARRRR Folks!!!! (im cheesin). And man, does it feel good to write again lol. Sorry for the absence folks.....life over the past year has taken me to many hills and valleys...but in 2012 im soaring (Yuuuuuuuppp!!!). i wanted to open up the relaunch of the blog with something that touched my heart the other day and give my personal testimony of growth and evolution.

Ohh what a mad mad world we live in....and if i was defining myself by the condition and terms defined by the ills of this society, then I would be playing myself pretty hardcore right now. This is not to say that i have succeeded exceedingly in every area of life....but the reality is that the greatest lessons in success come from our failures. I call this "The Test" and what it inevitably is is God's cumulative exam for growth. Almost a litmus test, as you will, for our place and purpose in the world. Being Black History Month and all, I think Dr. Martin Luther King said it best with his famous quote " The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy" This is to say that these test usually involve to specific areas of our being......our character and our attitude and man.....I know what its like to fail on both levels.

A while back I was involved in a situation that now I know was a big mistake (hey, you chalk it up to growing pains....lol), but I am thankful for whatever lessons I came out learning from it.....but it inevitable made me a much better, more grounded, more mature man and I am thankful to God that through his purpose.....i stand here at this time a completely more fulfilled and renewed individual. However, it taught me an important lesson in life....never settle for the okie doke and no matter what situation arises and how it temps to unleash the worst in you......never lose your cool . To be honest, I use to be a hardcore justice kinda guy....eye for an eye!!!!...fuck it.....if you do dirt, then you wholly deserve to have dirt smacked right back in your face....but the small pleasures derived from seeing "justice delievered" was little in comparison to how it all stilted my evolution. And I had to ask myself, what growth am i obtaining through a series of knee jerk reactions in which anger leads and all sense of rationality falls by the waist side...blinding red, a total blackout of thought and emotion.

The short answer, nada, nilch, nothing........and i was embarrassed by what it spoke of my character and attitude. I know its not popular for a man to be about anything or have integrity these days....but this assertion just make me want to stan for these principles even more because I feel like "somebody has to" I mean.....as men....we can't all just walk around like total idiots. Plus, in my situation, I feel a real historical responsibility to keep things moving in an upwardly mobile direction. My mom and dad worked tirelessly to see me reach success and they afforded me opportunities that were never available to them. To give some perspective....my dad was born in 1926 and endured a shitload of racism and prejudice.....doing the math...I would have to say that that would either make my grandfather or greatgrandfather a slave in this country. Having such a close connection to this history has generally been the motivation for my how I carry myself.....with class, candor, and a sense of responsibility of self. I know it may sound cheesy, but I trully feel most of the time that I am carrying a torch and one day I will be measured by how far I have carried that torch before passing it on to the next generation.

But im human...and I fall on my face and FAIL at times......sometimes the test is too damn hard or I don't feel like taking it or I think its unfair. Like why do I have to take this test when it doesn't look like anyone else is even in the damn exam room. I want justice damnit!! lol. Well, my journey is not your journey and your journey is not mine (for some reason I thought of Whitney's "my love" when writing that out...lol)......but what my journey was telling me was that I had to check my attitude and stop listening to all the discouraging voices in my head. Yeah, we like to give ourselves a hard time......but its all a mental trick and I learned to be humbled in times that threatened to lose my cool instead of combative or bull headed (granted, this has taken a long time). Sometimes all you truly need is a change of perspective.......sometimes you interpret things in the wrong way and need to check yourself...that is to say....that in most cases......its not always a "me against the world" kinda thing and you go through things....good or bad....for the betterment of self. If you can't absorb the lesson.....then you have to start all the way at the beginning of the game again......*press play* inevitably repeating the same level over and over again.

Seriously folks, anything and everything can and is more than likely a test of some part of you that needs to either be addressed or tuned up. Allow yourself to fail, yeah, but know that there will be a time where you're being will transcend the parameters of the test taking altogether. God will set you on a plane in first class, with a nice bottle of chianti, and a note. And on that note will be coordinates for your destination. In your heart, you will know what it took to get on board....the turbulence you faced in taking flight.......the cramped quarters you endured in taxiing along the ride......but it is the destination that gives you hope, faith, and light. It is the destination that defines you, not society, or other people, reality TV, or even the voices in your head that tell you otherwise. The true measure of a man, sitting handsomely and living free..........without threat of karma or retribution.........without threat to character and attitude.....humbling.....peaceful........and all through God's will. Lord knows i'm trying :)